The Super Collection of Amusing Anecdotes by AsHeR TaUfIqUe

Declaration of Dependence: One evening as I was walking through the woods behind my house, I came upon a pup tent where some small boys were camping out. I overheard them talking: "There’s a rock right under my sleeping bag," said one voice. Another moaned, "That’s nothing—I’m trying to sleep on a root. I wish I was home in my nice soft bed." "Yeah, me too," cried another. "I’m cold and thirsty. Let’s go home!" "Are you crazy?" said the obvious leader of the group. "If we go home now, they’ll never let us do this again!"

The elderly man ahead of me on the supermarket checkout had trouble keeping up with the cashier as she rapidly rang up the prices on the register. "Miss, why do you go so fast?" he asked. "I hardly know which items you’ve already done."

"Sir, think of me as a dentist," she replied brightly. "The faster I do it, the less it hurts."

While trying to locate an item in the meticulously kept files of a coworker known for his high opinion of himself, I came upon a large folder boldly labeled: MISTAKES. Consumed with curiosity, I opened it. The file was empty.

In a restaurant in Austria, a gypsy fortune-teller looked at a lady’s palm and said, " I see you have only one child." she told her that she had nine children.

"Oh," she huffed. "Then let me see your other hand."

Weighty Thoughts: The old elevator was so full of passengers that it refused to ascend. A few people got off to wait for the next trip, but still the elevator would not move. Then, one very small woman got out. Magic! The elevator began to rise. But not before the passengers heard the woman say, "It’s not that I weigh so much, it’s just that I have so much on my mind today."

The Good News: A university survey indicated that college girls find middle-aged men most attractive. The Bad News: they regard middle age as 32.

Going through a Phrase. One young woman was overheard saying to another: "I think he proposed last night. He id he wants to finalize our friendship."

Inflation hits at everyone, as is illustrated by a 12-year old boy in Wisconsin who phones a pizza joint and asked about prices. His dickering with the guy on the other end finished with: "Listen, how much for a stripped-down model without the options?"

A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby and four other children under the age of five. "I want a divorce," she said.

"On what grounds?"

"Desertion, sir?"

"Desertion, madam?" he asked, looking around at the five young children.

"Well," she confided, every now and then, my husband does come home to apologize."

There comes a time in every boy’s life when the conflict between childish and manly characteristics unexpectedly surfaces. The other day, while I was in the kitchen, I heard a loud pop from the next room, followed by an exasperated bellow from my son, Keith. After a moment of silence, his baritone voice called out, Mom, how do you get bubble gum out of a mustache?"

Dollar Wise. By chance, my visit to a small Vermont village coincided with its annual Strawberry Festival. Among the many events was an opportunity to enjoy strawberry shortcake at its best—fresh-baked, crisp, beautiful biscuits loaded with strawberries, dripping with juice and smothered in whipped cream. Who could resist?

It wasn’t until I had finished and was ready to leave that payment was expected. There, prominently displayed on the way out, was the large sign: "STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE, First Plate 50 cents. All you Want $1." A Vermont matron guarding the cash-box asked me if I wanted more. "No, thank you," I replied.

"That will be a dollar," she said firmly.